Reflections on Early Motherhood
With Mother’s Day approaching, I had the opportunity to attend a presentation from a local therapist who was sharing her thoughts on motherhood. She spoke about a variety of related topics, including moms who lose themselves in their children and their general lack of self-care. While this therapist was well-meaning and certainly identified many common problems mothers face, I walked away feeling like, as it always seems, the true motherhood struggle was deeply misunderstood. Moms know identity and self-care are important; the question is how to foster this with all the responsibilities that come with the new role.
The therapist warned, “Don’t lose yourself in your kids. It’s too much pressure for them. You must have something that is just yours.” What an easy thing to say when you’re not in the thick of infancy. I never wanted to “lose myself” in my kids. When I first became a mother, I was also a middle school teacher by profession. I proudly proclaimed during all stages of my pregnancy that I loved my job, I loved my life, and I certainly would not be leaving or giving anything up just because I was about to add a child to my life. Enter, stage right, the 4am wake-ups to pump breastmilk. Enter, a colicky infant who woke up every hour to be held and would wake again every time she was put down. Enter, obscure daycare illnesses that took us both out for weeks on end. Enter, the emotional struggle of seeing my daughter for one hour before bed. The remainder of my free time was quickly eaten up by meal prep, clean up, bath time, washing bottles, and preparing for the next day, and frankly, I was drowning. One of the most difficult decisions I ever made was to leave teaching to stay home. Choosing to let go of that part of me felt like losing a limb. And yet, I couldn’t see how to balance everything.
And many seasoned moms will talk about the lack of support mothers receive, and that can be a huge issue for many. But the truth is, I was not alone during this time in my life; on the contrary, I was heavily supported. Most of this support I actively rejected. My parents and in-laws were local and, quite frankly, desperate for time with their only granddaughter. They insisted my husband and I take time for ourselves, spend time alone, and just drop her off with them. As well-meaning as they were, they did not understand that dropping off my little girl not only came with a heaping pile of guilt but also seemed so complicated that it didn’t seem worth the effort. During this time while working so many hours, I was constantly dropping my daughter off at daycare, only to see her for a short time before we went to sleep. The idea of dropping her off again on the weekend, when my face-to-face time with her had been so minimal to begin with, was heartbreaking for me. Not to mention, since I was breastfeeding, I would need to pump extra bottles for drop off and ensure all grandparents were well versed on the method of paced-feeding. During my outing with my husband, I would need to pack my pump and make sure I had privacy to protect my milk supply, expressing every 2-3 hours while I was gone. In terms of infant supplies, my daughter had horrible gas pains due to an unidentified dairy and soy intolerance, so I’d need to pack a huge diaper bag which held diapers, wipes, gas drops, extra clothes, burp cloths, bottles, milk, and the pacifier. The therapist at the presentation enjoyed repeating, “What would happen if you just left the house and didn’t pack the huge diaper bag? Think of the animals in the forest. Mama bear takes her cubs on hunts, and she doesn’t pack a bag.” In my case, my baby bear would scream for the entire time we were apart. And that isn’t something anyone would want.
No one is arguing that mothers should lose themselves in their children or that mothers should forego all means of taking care of themselves. The therapist was not wrong about her call to action there. But the crux of the problem is not if mothers should retain their own identities and make time for self-care but instead how to do this. I don’t have any magical answer other than it takes acceptance of the present stage of life with the knowledge that the answer for each mother will come in their own time. I’d venture to guess most mothers in the depths of their exhaustion have googled suggestions for self-care for new moms. I did. And do you know what I found? The internet is ripe with fruitless suggestions such as, “Wake up a few hours before your children. Make yourself coffee, exercise, or read a novel.” This is a laughable suggestion when kids are very young. New moms are already terribly sleep deprived. During the height of my time trying to work full time with an infant, I was already up at 4am to get everything ready for the day. Asking me to get up earlier in the name of self-care would have been cruel, to say the least. I even attempted this oft-touted strategy as my children got older, only to find that someone would inevitably hear me bumping around in the kitchen, and suddenly, our day would begin together at 5am, and my self-care cup would still be woefully empty.
Can we just be honest with new parents about motherhood? I wonder why this therapist was so hesitant to just state the reality: being a mom is extremely difficult, and it doesn’t get any easier, it just gets different. As I sat in the therapist’s presentation, listening to her pressure these new moms about their whole identities, I wanted to turn to the mom behind me with the week-old baby in her arms and say, “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.” Having a baby turns your whole world upside down. And the truth is, it takes time- sometimes years- to find yourself again, to want self-care, to figure out a balance between yourself as a woman and yourself as a mother. And if I could tell new moms one thing, it would be to be patient with themselves as much as they try to be patient with their babies, to offer themselves the same amount of grace. Because they will figure it out and find something that lights them up again outside of being a mother. Maybe it will be yoga. Or maybe it will be their careers, or maybe it will be traveling. Whatever it is, moms will find it. Their spark is waiting for them when they are ready to find it, no timeline, no pressure.